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Monday, February 19th, 2001
10:01 am - inspiration, will you not strike!

Lizard the frustrated

current mood: frustrated

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Sunday, February 18th, 2001
1:39 pm - life in general
wow it's been a long time since I have written anything, of course, that might be because my computer was out of commision for 2 weeks....
Well, I am officially dating Colin now. I had someone ask me if Colin and I had engaged in sexual activites yet, and the answer is no, to any who might be interested. My and Colin's relationship is not based on our physical bodies and their hormonal influences, but on who we are inside, our personalities, and our spirits, if that makes any sense. I love Colin because of who he is, and not because we could have a physical relationship together. It's not that I am not interested... I am, but I am going to wait until I am married before I find out what sex is. It's not just a morality issue. I want to be able to say to my husband, whether he is Colin or not, that "Before I even met you I thought enough of you to save myself for you, so that this first night when we are sealed to each other body and soul will be special, unique, and that we will share something together that no one else has ever had, or will ever have." Right now it is too soon to know what will happen between Colin and me, we may date for years and get married, or we may date for a month and decide that we should just be friends. I want the person that I was talking to to understand that I am not judging them at all, but that this is just my personal stance. I wish them all the best in life.
I am glad that all the ice went away, I have a tendancy to have encounters with the sidewalk anyhow, I don't need it to have an extra edge. Well, I gotta do homework, it seems to be kind of omnipresent at college unfortunatly.

current mood: loved

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Saturday, February 17th, 2001
6:55 pm - my computer is working again!!
my computer is working again, my computer is working again, my computer is working again!!!

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Thursday, February 1st, 2001
4:22 pm - anemia, asthma, allergies, academics
words with A in them seem to be bugging me recently. I'm in a fitness class at school, and with my academic scholarship I basically have to get an A in it, and at the end of the semester I will have to walk 3 miles in 39 minutes. I tried walking that fast this morning, got around the track 3 times (3/4 of a mile) and collapsed from O2 lack because of my allergies and asthma, even thougth I had taken my medicine, and my inhaler. So after I got my breath back, I was so tired because of my anemia that I couldn't get up for 10 minutes. This is not cool. I have so much stuff to do this semester I will be suprised if I get to eat, sleep, and blink! Well, gotta stop typing this and start typing something else..........

current mood: anemic :(

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Sunday, January 28th, 2001
7:38 pm - home sweet dorm
I love my new room
I love my new hall,
I love my not having a roomate
I got all my stuff set up (for the most part) today, and am already ready for bed.... classes start tomorrow, fun stuff, fun stuff. I got all my pictures up on my wall, and almost everyone that came in demanded why I wasnt' an art student. Well, I dont like doing art on a deadline, anyone have a problem with that?!?! I inflated my inflatable chair, and I think I am going to sit in it and read for a while, or something like that... maybe I will see if anyone is watching a movie, maybe I will just go to bed....

and the beat goes on...

current mood: happy

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7:28 pm - found an old poem in an old notebook
People ask me - how can you love
Someone you have never seen?
How can you devote your life
To an invisible being?

To this I reply - While it is true
That my eyes have not beheld
The one that I worship
I have seen a lightning bolt
And felt it's thunder
Shake the ground
I have seen the planets
And their moons spinning
Round and round
I have seen the Milky Way
glide though the
Ebony Sky
I have seen a flock of birds
Take off and begin to fly
I have seen the sun break through
The clouds - and shine on me
I have seen the snow blowing
Past - in a blizard
I have seen lives go right
And dreams come true
I have heard the whisper of
My savior, father, friend, and confidant,
I can love without seeing
Because he sees me.

it needs a lot of polish, but I like the underlying thought....here's one I can work on....in my plentious free time

current mood: happy

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Saturday, January 27th, 2001
11:28 pm - back in the saddle
well, here I am, back at school. I have a room to myself so far, if I can't find a roomate I get the room to myself without having to pay extra...I wonder how hard I am going to look... I unpacked almost everything today, and wonder of wonders, the internet worked the first time I tried it, instead of after one month of hard labor and long hours on the campus help line....
well, I got up at 5 this morning, so I think I am going to go to bed....

current mood: sleepy

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Thursday, January 25th, 2001
1:14 pm
augh, I am so busy, I think I'm going to go insane, wait, to late for that HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
I have to do 5000 things before I am ready to go back to school, the least of which is writing in this dang journal, I don't know why I'm doing it, I don't have the time!!!!

iguana write more soon

current mood: busy

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Wednesday, January 24th, 2001
9:34 am - life?
in case you are wondering about the title of this post, I couldn't think of one, but decided to put one on there anyhow. I had a fight with the registser at my school yesterday. I had misplaced the single copy of my schedule, so wanted it again so that I could write it down in lots of places so I would not loose it again. I called 'em up.... "yeah, you can come in and pick up your schedule"...um, slight problem there, I'm in TX, and you are in OK..."Well, I can't give it to you then, because you might be some wierdo intent on killing/raping/etc. our students"...Hello! I am who I say I am, want me to call a faculty member and have them call you and confirm that yes, I am me?!?!?...."That might work, but we will have to talk to our attornies" by this time I was ready to RUN to OBU and repetitivly kick this woman, but instead I threw the house upside down looking for my schedule. When I found it, I called back and recited it to them so that they would know that I am me. I was extremely annnoyed. Two of the women that work at TT are pregnant, so I have to go shopping and find them some baby shower gifts

and the beat goes on

current mood: frustrated

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Monday, January 22nd, 2001
9:06 am
well, I realized that I have to pack up all the stuff I unpacked, and all the stuff I decided I needed over the semester and had left at home. I had a horrible nightmare where I got in a terrible car accident, was horribly maimed, totaled my car, and somehow lost my scholarship because of it. I think it was just my subconsious throwing every fear I have into one mass dream. It was very unpleasent. I have to go to work today, and I had laryngites yesterday, so I hope it doesn't come back. There are enough people that go through my line at TT that are hard of hearing, it would be imposible if normal people couldn't hear me as well. Does anyone that reads this ever get the feeling that they are totally invisible, and that all that people see of them is what they want to see....
well, I'm off to collect cough drops and then off to work

and the beat goes on

current mood: working

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Thursday, January 18th, 2001
9:32 pm - I can't wait for school to start
My life is in Shawnee, I am in Dallas, and this presents a problem. I can't wait till I get back there...a long break is a good thing until all your friends are back in class....

current mood: bored

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9:23 am - new poem:)
Well, after weeks of cogitating, trying to grab hold of that delicate thing, the poem, it was while I was reading the paper that I actually found one....

I have seen the quiet garden
Where the birds and squirels play
I have wandered through this garden
Where a building was until that day

I have seen the sunlight gleaming
On the rows and columns of chairs
Chairs that would not even be
If dozens had not died there

And oh the horror, oh the terror
That lies beneath this grass
Of all the lives so quickly ended
From the effects of that blast

They died without knowing they died
In their love, in their grief, in their humanity
They died
They died without knowing why
They died
Or they whiled away hours and days
Stuck inside
Inside the crumbling remains of the federal building
Where they had worked, where they had played, or only come to once

They did not die for a call or a creed
They did not die for what they believed
They died without knowing why
Why oh why did they have to die

--LAA, in memory

On April 19, 1995, a bomb inside of a rented truck parked in front of the Alfred P. Murrah building went off at 9:02 AM. The impact from this explosion in the heart of Oklahoma City was felt all through the surrounding area. 168 people, including 19 children, were killed in this act of terrorism.
There is now a memorial park at the site. The chairs that I mention in this poem are a part of it. There is one empty chair for each victim, including 19 small chairs, in rows representing each floor of the former building, and in about the location that the victim was found. I went to the memorial for the first time last semester, and have finally found some words to write about it.

current mood: pensive

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Tuesday, January 16th, 2001
10:31 am - Thoughts....
well, after that brave title, I can't seem to think of all the wonderful things I was going to say before I got online, oh well. I guess lately I've been pondering things like how much is my future affected by what I do now. I mean, I have a dream, but it's a little fuzzy, and I really don't know the best way to accomplish it, or by what path it would be accomplished. I basically want to do whatever God wants me to do....the problem is figuring that out. I guess I'm at college because I feel that I just don't know enough, but am I learning what I need to know there? So many people have told me, repetitivly, that college is not the real world, and basically I am wasting my time if I thing I am getting any kind of understanding about life there. I sort of wonder what the real world is like, the buildings on my campus feel pretty solid to me, and most people would say that they were real...I want to do the most that I can for God, not to pay Him back, for that is imposible, but because He is God, He is good, and I want to be as like Him as I can. I know I will never be perfect, but to use that as a copout to do whatever base and vile things that I might be able to do is unexcusible (to me). I'm not trying to leacture anyone, unless it is myself, I am just trying to write out my personal philosophy, and perhaps work through to what I should do at the present time. I want to be able to look back on my life and be able to say that I tried my hardest with all that I had. I don't want to wait for some time in the far distant future to start. I don't want to wait untill I am graduated, or married, or mature(I'd be waiting a long time for that one), I want to be working, striving, trying NOW, because I have no insurance that I will draw breath tommorrow. I could get into an accident on the way to work, I could have a tumor in my brain, all kinds of things could happen, there is no law that says "Liz will live to be 104 like her great-grandmother" I have to start living now, because if I don't, when will I. OK, am I rambling, or WHAT? ok, so basically, all these deep thoughts resolve back to the question, "what should I be doing with my life right now?" What should my major be, or should I even go back to college. The assistant store manager at TT wants me to stay on so she can promote me up, instead of going back to school. I know I am going back this semester, but where do I do the most good, on a college where 98% of the population shares my belief in God, or somewhere else, where I could show God's love to those that do not know Him. I'm not saying that I want to slam a Bible down anyone's throught, but I have been given so much grace and love that I want to give it to others, be their friend, and care for them. I'm not sure I'm making any sense, but o well,

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, January 13th, 2001
8:16 pm - cars, shelves, and radios.....
well, when I went to work yesterday the Assistant Store Director (no less) pulled me over and congradulated me for having a perfect checkout when the secret shopper checked out of my line. Apparently no one else, (or very few people) have managed to do that. She gave me a little Tom Thumb AM/FM radio for this. I was suprised, all I did was do my job.... it was very wierd..., but it's a cute little radio. I was going to spend all day painting my shelf, but my dad insisted that we work on my car for most of the day instead...which isn't a bad thing by any means, but it was just not what I had planned for today. Oh well, we figured out one problem by accidently breaking it beyond repair, so we have to replace it instead...(fun times) I wonder what it is like to have a car that never needs to be perenially fixed.... must be nice....
I did finally get to start on my shelf, and am going to work on it more tommorrow. My dad was afraid that I would gas myself with paint fumes (not likly, if it were to happen, it would have already) so he made me set up on the patio. it is very cold to paint outside in January. I've some spots, dots, swirls, etc. on my shelf already, and it will seem quite sycadlic (sp?) when I get done. It will definitely be MY shelf when I get it finished.

I got my digital camera set up, and soon I will manipulate a picture around enough on photodeluxe to put it up on here. That should be fun. I have an idea of what I'm going to do, but I'm not telling anything yet. When I get it up all the various people that read this will have to tell me if they like it ;)



(sorry, got carried away there)

current mood: artistic

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Thursday, January 11th, 2001
9:39 pm - random stuff
some guy left me a note on here saying that his dad taught at my school, and wondered if I had him for Phil.... hmmm.... how to say this diplomatically, I was warned away from that particular teacher by several upperclassmen because he was...boring...

I'm going to paint my shelf this weekend - then it will truely be a college shelf. Im thinking swirls of blue, green, purple and red, with accents and lines of yellow. I think it will be fun
(my file box already looks like a jungle)
my things can't be ordinary

well, I've gotten back into Bible reading. I did really good all during the semester, don't think I missed a day, but when I came home everything just went to pot - but I'm back in the habit now.

how come bad habits, like over eating, chewing one's nails, or staying up to late are nigh imposible to break, while good habits like reading one's religious book of choice, doing one's homework in a reasonable span of time, or taking out the garbage seem to just dissapear one day?

oh well, enough thoughts for tonight

i wish I could compose music, my thoughts have not been fitting themselves to words very easily whenever I sit down to write some poetry, although I have not lacked ideas.....

Good Night America, and God Bless

current mood: artistic

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2001
9:29 am - Slim-fast...
another day, another dollar, or in my case, several more than usual today.... someone at work quit suddenly, my manager begged me, so I am working from 12 noon to 11 pm today. I can do it - I will get more breaks than usual, and now I will definitly be in the good books at TT. I am on the slim fast diet, and have already lost 5 pounds. It also seems to give me more energy, which will be a very good thing today.

i have a poem coming - when it decides to come out I will share it here

current mood: good

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Friday, January 5th, 2001
8:20 pm - my feet hurt
the only problem with working at a grocery store is that you have to stand up for eight hours, and deal with all the varients of humanity.... wait, that's two reasons....

every whiney kid, coupon counter, hard of hearing and suspicious elder must have gone through my line today.

even wearing the most comfortable pair of shoes I have, my feet hurt

one of the service managers has a nasty habit of "forgeting" people's breaks...

but all in all, a job's a job, and mine is better than a lot of people's...

i can't wait to be back at school

current mood: drained

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Monday, January 1st, 2001
7:42 pm - i don't think this is Kansas, Toto
well, today we drove back from the snowy wastes of Oklahoma just to find out that the snowy wastes got here before us! Snow, in Dallas, SNOW IN DALLAS!!! I don't believe it! so, anyhow, I still need to go to work, of course, some things never change....

one gets really cramped when one is 5'9" and stuffed into the back seat of a supercab pickup with a cooler, a little sister, 4 coats, and 2 duffels

I was so glad to get out of that thing!!

now I'm going to call my friend and see what I missed while visiting relatives...

current mood: lazy

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Friday, December 29th, 2000
9:56 am - hmmmm.........
well, I have decided one thing.... with all it's faults, I like my internet connection at school much better! It takes forever for this stupid modem to decide to load a page! I didn't get the job at the movie theater I was trying to get, because basically they weren't going to hire me if I wasn't going to work Christmas Day AND New Year's Day! I was feeling pretty low after that, I mean, I wouldn't work there under those conditions, but it would have been much more satisfying if I had done the refusing instead of them.... (ie, me saying "I won't work here" instead of her saying "We won't hire you") So, anyhow, I was feeling low, but I had to stop by the grocery store on the way home because my mom had given me a list. I used to work at this store, and as I was walking around shopping one of my friends that workes in the Deli came up and started talking to me. When she found out that I needed a job, she practically dragged me over to the Assistant Director, and the rest is history. I got a 50 cent raise going back, and I have much more flexible hours than I would at the movie theater. Life is good. I had a good Christmas, and now am about to go out of town and visit relatives...

maybe it's from working in a grocery store over christmas, but the materialistic tendancies of so much of our culture have just been shoved up in my face recently. It's been making me reevaluate my priorities.... Do I really need my music CD's....no, do I really need my computer....no, do I really need a closet full of clothes...no, etc. etc. etc.

I guess I'm just in a mood

it's just that for so many people, christmas is just an excuse to get something, instead of being about God.....

current mood: thoughtful

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Sunday, December 17th, 2000
10:40 pm - Garg!
WELL, I had a nice long entry all written out, but since I am using the webpage instead of the program (being on my dad's computer), i tried to add an emotion and accidently erased it! Sufficient to say, after spending half a week at my Grandmother's house, I am finally back home, and back online. My parents have this weird idea about going to bed before midnight, and they want me off the comp because supposedly my typing keeps them up (go figure) Tommorrow I am going to sleep late and go apply for a job...............

current mood: bouncy

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